We are Kinder as We Age
The Transformative Power of Kindness and a few Dos and Don'ts
When younger people give examples of kindness, they might say things like “helping an old lady across the street” or “giving up my seat to an old person.” Contrary to the common stereotype of grumpy elders, I have observed most older people finding countless ways to show kindness — even when they are now the ones need help crossing the street.
Here are some kind acts of people in their seventies and eighties I observed just this week. My friend Ginger was sick, and her friends left flowers on her doorstep and caring messages in her email. Sonia, 82, my neighbor, regularly visits three or four residents at the nursing home connected to our retirement community. Lauren bakes cookies for new residents moving in. Lastly, I had a fall during my Zumba class this week and ended up going to the Emergency Room (thank goodness, I didn’t have any broken bones). My friend, who is 87, kept me company while I was in the waiting room, and her husband drove us both back home. Acts of kindness like these go on and on.
In today’s challenging times, many of us feel paralyzed, frustrated, and anxious. Kindness, especially across political divides, fosters space for dialogue and connection, which helps bridge the gaps that separate us.
Before we go any further, we need a few definitions. A kind person has the qualities of being generous, helpful, and considerate of others. But kindness is more than an inner quality. Kindness is a powerful action that can ignite a chain reaction of more kindness. It is a means of agency. Kindness is something we do. It is a strategy. Kindness can even be a form of protest. Kind acts show that we are not helpless.
Research on Age and Kindness
Recent research backs up my observations that older people are kinder. A 2023 study published in Frontiers of Behavioral Neuroscience found that seniors show greater prosocial behaviors than younger adults, which may be related to higher life satisfaction as we age, as well as “improved coping skills in the face of stress.”
I believe part of the reason seniors are kinder is the way we develop over time. Younger individuals are naturally more focused on themselves, prioritizing their identity, career success, and finding a partner. People in their thirties and forties are usually so busy with jobs and raising kids that they have little extra energy to reach out to others. As we age, however, we become more aware of the feelings of those around us. Additionally, we have the gift of time, which often inspires us to provide others with what they need or desire.
At my retirement community, six women in their eighties were having dinner together last week when they were asked if they had chosen a purpose for this stage of their lives. The first woman to reply said her purpose was “to be kind.” Others chipped in “to be caring,” “to be more loving,” and “to reach out to others less able than myself.” I have often observed a culture of kindness whenever older people gather.
Giving and Receiving
Recent research has found that very small acts of kindness have an unexpectedly large impact on the receiver. Both the giver and receiver of kindness experience a boost in their well-being. This insight comes from a recent study conducted by Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago and Amar Kumar at the University of Texas.
Their experiment went like this: Researchers gave a cup of hot chocolate to eighty people who were watching skaters at a rink on a cold day. Participants were informed that the hot chocolate was a gift and that they could either keep it for themselves or pass it on to someone else. Most chose to give it to another person. Later, the researchers asked the givers about their moods and how they felt after making their decision. As expected, nearly all the givers reported feeling better than usual. However, what surprised both the researchers and the givers was the significant impact this small gift of hot chocolate had on the recipients. Despite seeming like a minor gesture, it had a profound effect.
Subsequent studies have confirmed these findings, whether it was with a small gift like a cupcake or a larger gesture like a letter of appreciation from someone they know well. In each case, the givers tended to underestimate the positive impact of their actions. However, if the recipient learned that giving the gift was part of the giver’s job, there was little or no effect. Additionally, attitudes matter: if the giver was curt or unfriendly, there was little positive impact.
Kind acts are contagious. A team of researchers at UCLA Bedari Institute conducted 15 studies and found that acts of kindness create strong, uplifting emotions in the receivers. They can move the recipients to tears and they often inspire them to perform kind acts themselves. It seems that an act of kindness is truly a gift that keeps on giving.
A Few Dos and Don’ts of Kindness
Mood Matters: Do go ahead with a kind act even if you are feeling angry, grumpy, or depleted. Just be aware your act might not create that unexpectedly huge impact. However, kind acts are usually appreciated, and they can help you navigate through your bad mood. Don’t force yourself. Take a break and give yourself some self-care and self-compassion.
Expectations: Do kind acts without any strings attached. Don’t expect gratefulness or a reciprocal act. Kindness is not a quid pro quo. It is important to understand that expectations of reciprocation can usually lead to future resentments. One exception: I believe it is okay to expect some form of thank you from a grandchild or young person to whom you have given a gift. Parents have so many things to keep track of that, sometimes, they don’t get around to teaching the courtesy of a thank you. Go ahead and teach them yourself if you feel like it. I have done this myself.
Impact: Do remember that the impact of your kind acts, especially in these uncertain and troubling times, will be far greater than you would ever imagine.
I’ll end with a quote from Bob Kerrey, a former Senator from Nebraska:
“Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change.”
Katharine Esty is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, and a writer. Her recent book, Eightysomethings — A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness, was published by Skyhorse.
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#kindness #aging #happiness #mindset #relationships #connection
When my daughter passes away almost 4 years ago at 18 years old, it was very disheartening to not hear much from those who knew her growing up. The many acts of kindnesses came from those who either didn't know her at all, or had met her only once. They were all from my Toastmasters club. I can tell you that their acts of kindness were a balm to my heart. It was very powerful and comforted me immensely.
This settled into the day perfectly, so many truths here. Agreed we can all teach the importance of thanking others, it doesn’t necessarily need to be parents. Just had this conversation with my 88 year old father in law; we can reinforce and support this.
Lovely!