Managing Unexpected Change as We Age
Your Flight Has Been Cancelled!
Last week my phone rang at 6 am as I was leaving for the airport. My travel agent announced, “Your flight has been cancelled!” Oh, no. There goes all that planning for my trip to Bill’s memorial service in hard-to-get-to Flint Hill, Virginia. And I will miss my time on my way with the grandkids. As a Nor’easter raged outside my windows, waves of anxiety ricocheted around my body. When will planes resume flying? As a speaker at the service, I can’t miss it. Will I get there at all? To say the cancellation was an unwelcome surprise would be an understatement.
As I get older, I realize I just want things to stay the same as they are now. This is a strange feeling for me as I am always seeking ways to improve. In all my jobs — as a psychotherapist, organizational consultant, and coach — I have always encouraged my clients to embrace change. As I age, I am aghast to find myself becoming more inflexible from time to time.
I’m not alone in this rigid feeling. Most of us dislike change. But this can impede our mental health and aging well. As psychologist Rachel Goldman explained in a recent article, “Psychological flexibility boils down to…staying in the present moment and being open to experiencing whatever thoughts or feelings may arise, and then take action that is aligned with our values.” Recent studies suggest that those with more psychological flexibility experience less anxiety and enjoy higher levels of well-being.
Maybe that explains why I want my personal life to go smoothly along, no changes, and why traveling at eighty-nine is such a big deal. When my flight got cancelled, the uncertainty sent me into a panic. But there was nothing to do except wait, and I am not good at waiting. However, my family’s motto, “Expect the unexpected,” helped me gain some needed perspective. Simply saying it to myself reminded me that everything would be okay and this was just a minor inconvenience. In six months, I may not even remember this incident.
After a few hours, my travel agent called again; I was booked on a flight the next day to get me to Virginia in good time before the service. Phew! Back on track.
These days I sign up for a wheelchair because airports have become bewildering for me. Yet, because I actually walk well, I always feel somewhat like a fraud. When I arrived at the check-in counter, the airline attendant asked me to take a seat in a row of chairs nearby and assured me that someone would be coming with a wheelchair shortly.
After waiting patiently for fifteen minutes, nobody had arrived to assist me. My stress level skyrocketed. To calm myself and distract from the frustration of waiting, I came up with a plan: if nobody came in the next ten minutes, I would alert the airline attendant of my plight. Just having a plan helped me relax. After ten more minutes passed, I approached the counter to explain the situation. The attendant said she had noticed no one had come for me and she would call again. I felt reassured. I am a rational person, not a worry-wort complainer. In a few minutes, the wheelchair pusher arrived.
Just as I settled down at the gate, happily reading, my phone rang. The voice on the other end declared, “Your suitcase is back here at Security.” Oh no! I jumped up and started speed-walking back to get it. I was thinking, OMG, how stupid can you be, Katharine? How could you not notice? You are clearly losing it. I arrived at Security and there — hallelujah — was my marooned suitcase. The man at the podium praised me for including my cell phone number on my bag’s tag. His comment broke up my black mood. It helped me re-frame the whole event and to see myself as both smart and foresighted to put my cellphone number on the suitcase.
I am happy to report that this was the final obstacle on my trip. I could tell you about the wonderful time I had with Bill’s family, but this is about managing change and a few of the lessons I have learned over my long life.
5 Do’s and Don’ts for Managing Change
1. Do ask for help.
Seeking help is a crucial skill for aging well. As we age, we will be tempted to try to do things by ourselves — it becomes a matter of pride. Getting help is usually the wiser option.
2. Don’t ignore your feelings.
Feelings are facts that demand our attention. “Name it, to tame it.” Acknowledging our feelings almost magically dissipates them and makes them more manageable.
3. Do make a plan.
Having a plan puts temporary closure around uncertainty. You are taking some control over the situation where you actually have little control.
4. Do eliminate negative self-talk.
Berating ourselves isn’t useful. We all thrive with understanding and empathy. And we need to learn to see ourselves through lenses of compassion.
5. Do re-frame what happens in the best light possible.
Re-framing what happens from another angle helps us recover our equanimity and optimism in the face of an unwelcome event.
These techniques are all about attitude. Our happiness does not depend upon avoiding setbacks, disappointments, and even tragedies. Our well-being depends on the meaning we make of whatever happens to us. We are the stories we tell ourselves!
What other steps help you handle unexpected change?
To explore this topic further, I am recommending the following articles discussing Resilience in the Face of Change and Getting Comfortable with Uncertainty.
Katharine Esty is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, and a writer. Her recent book, Eightysomethings — A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness, was published by Skyhorse.
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#eightysomethings #psychology #flexibility #stress #change
Hi, I know what you mean about unexpected change. I am 85 years old and definitely less flexible than I used to be. It happened again yesterday, I was going for a walk along the bay with family members and then to brunch. Plans changed - and what I thought was a going to be a 2-hour event, turned into a 5-hour one. I was irritated because I had other things to do. But as you described, there were plusses in the longer event - like getting to spend time with my 2-year-old great granddaughter, and I still got home in time to do everything I wanted.
In part, I think, the anxiety has to do with thinking I don't have all the time in the world to do all the things I want to do.
Sometimes I think the world needs to slow down. Or maybe it’s me. Since Covid I get anxiety and have to just breathe or find something relaxing to do amidst the chaos. Having friends of a like mind helps. Also spending time with children helps immensely. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.