Why Commit to a Gratitude Practice?
It makes life go better, especially as we age.
Having a gratitude practice is one of the most effective and, in some sense, simple ways of improving the quality of your life. It changed my life, and it can change yours, too.
One recent morning, while I was away on vacation, I looked in the mirror and, to my horror, saw several puffy red pimples on my face. OMG, what is this? There were about 40 of them — I counted. This has never happened before. I looked again. Maybe it is a reaction to the heat or some strange detergent on my pillowcase. In the past, I might have screamed and fussed and let those nasty pimples ruin my day. However, I surprised myself by quickly remembering how grateful I was for all that was going well in my life. I reassured myself that the ugly red pimples were just a small issue, a minor setback, and almost certainly temporary. Once again, I realized that the gratitude practice I have been using for the last five years has given me a level of equanimity and steadiness that has been truly transformative.
What is a gratitude practice?
First, a definition of gratitude. Gratitude is both an attitude of appreciation and thankfulness. (As I was working on this, I noticed how the words attitude and gratitude are so similar. It is the attitude that matters.) A gratitude practice involves taking time each day to identify specifically what we are grateful for in our lives. Each morning, for example, I take time to say to myself three things that I am grateful for. I try to make them different each day, but it is always fine to fall back on my “family, my health, and my home”. Now that I am in my nineties, I usually include feeling grateful for being alive. I’ve gradually come to understand how this practice is the basic foundation of my well-being.
I want to emphasize the importance of committing to a daily practice. It probably sounds simple, and in some ways, it is. However, the real challenge lies in maintaining the practice consistently. When I notice that I’ve neglected my gratitude practice for a few days or even a few weeks, it is frustrating. I try to be nonjudgmental and reassure myself that forgetting is a natural part of life. But it can be hard to get going again.
I have a wonderful variation to the basic gratitude practice that I really enjoy and often incorporate into my evening routine. At the end of each day, I ask myself, “What were three good things I experienced today?” This practice helps me become more aware of the many lovely moments in my everyday life, such as a smile from someone, a beautiful tree, or a phone call with one of my sons, where we truly connected.
Practicing gratitude is linked to a range of mental and physical health benefits, including improved mood, reduced stress, better sleep, stronger mental health, and greater overall well-being. Recent research from Harvard Health suggests that expressing gratitude is associated with greater happiness. It may even support longer-term health by encouraging healthier behaviors and reducing negative thought patterns. The American Heart Association similarly notes that gratitude can help lower stress levels, support emotional resilience, and may contribute to heart health by promoting more positive coping habits and lifestyle choices.
By the age of 70, all of us have experienced some significant losses, and we will continue to lose spouses, family members, and friends as we live through the seventies and eighties. We may become hearing impaired, lose our mobility, our voices, and our memories. This is simply a part of being human. However, practicing gratitude, despite these losses, can bring great joy. In addition, taking the time to focus on what is going well helps train our minds to recognize more of the good things around us. It counteracts the negativity bias that is so prevalent in most of us.
Linking up with a gratitude partner is another useful variation of the practice, which helps some people stay committed. The partner provides some real-time accountability.
Expressing Gratitude
It is also important to express the gratitude we have for others. Sending an email to thank someone who has helped us is always a good thing. Most of us have had one or two teachers, mentors, or friends who played a very significant role in helping us through an important time in our lives. Often, we feel we have never adequately expressed how important they were for us. Writing a letter with paper and pen is a powerful way to convey this gratitude. It’s important to be specific about what they did and said that was meaningful to you. Receiving a letter like this can be a highlight of a lifetime. It is moving for the recipient and can be moving for the writer as well.
Meeting in person to thank someone can be an even more impactful experience. I learned this when I went to express my gratitude to my former minister. When I had been feeling stuck in my early thirties, he helped me accept some difficult truths and make some hard decisions. Of course, I would feel angry at times while caring for four young kids. Of course, it was a good thing to be contemplating career options like becoming a social worker or a therapist. Of course, it was okay for me to choose a different path from that of my mother and most of my friends. But, of course, it took a lot of courage to take the road less travelled.
I remember several years later trying to tell him how much he had mattered and what an important role he played in helping me become the person I wanted to be. As I attempted to express my gratitude, I found myself unable to speak. Instead, I burst into tears — tears of deep appreciation. As I slowly managed to find my words of thanks, I realized how meaningful it can be to express profound gratitude. Again, this also takes courage, as it is usually more comfortable to say nothing.
I encourage all of you, dear readers, to tell others just how much you appreciate them. It is a gift to them and to yourself. And, of course, I hope you’ll try out a practice of gratitude, too.
Katharine Esty is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, and a writer. Her recent book, Eightysomethings — A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness, was published by Skyhorse.
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I believe gratitude is essential to well being. I lost my beloved husband of 67 years just a few weeks ago. People ask me how I am doing and I answer "I am sitting in the gratitude," In the past few years, each evening when we sat down together, we held hands and spoke about what it was we had felt gratitude for. I am now trying to carry the practice forward, it is uplifting and allows the sadness I feel to move to a more positive place.
It's a great way to bookend most days! I write a 3 statement of gratitude that's tied into my Daily Calm meditation routine & I haven't missed a DAY since Dec 2019! And at times through some days I will handwrite what I'm grateful for. I've never been someone who shirks from saying thank you and I like to let people know how they matter to me and/or why I'm grateful to have them in my life. When I was going through 5+ years of oral cancer surgeries & recoveries I was always grateful for my professional team & told them each visit (often with home made cup cakes & a card!) and for my followers on social media who were like "cheerleaders". Family seems to be reluctant to express as much gratitude at times but as he was getting closer to his life's end my father began assuring me he was proud of me & grateful for all I did to help him