I'm Sorry: Two Words that Help Our Relationships
4 Guidelines for Apologizing
One of the most valuable life lessons I have learned over my 90 years is the power of apologizing. We all make many mistakes, say things we regret, and find ourselves in conflicts big and small with friends and family that seem impossible to resolve. The real question is how we get past these roadblocks. Apologizing for our part in the situation is a great place to start and often the answer we’re searching for.
What is an apology?
An apology is a statement of regret for something we have done. We are human beings. It is our nature to mess up our relationships despite our good intentions. We are also social animals, and by the time we are age 70, most of us have learned that our relationships are a top priority. We can choose to apologize, but it is not always easy.
Why are apologies difficult?
Sometimes, apologies come easily. For example, I missed a project meeting last week. I thought the meeting was on Tuesday when it was actually on Monday. I was genuinely sorry I missed it and felt stupid for mixing up the days. I contacted the project leader and apologized. She reassured me that it was okay and the upcoming meeting was the one that mattered. After apologizing, I felt relieved. It was a simple step to take that made the whole situation better.
But usually, apologizing is more complicated. Take this example. My dear friend Heather called me recently and explained how upset she was about our last conversation. I had suggested several times that she should visit a doctor for her recurring and severe migraine headaches. She told me I had been too insistent and pushy, especially because she had not asked for my advice. Her voice conveyed that she was quite angry. I became defensive and upset because I felt I was being attacked. I tried to explain that my intentions were solely out of concern for her well-being. At this point, I got angry too. When we stopped talking, the anger was still hanging in the air.
The following day, as I thought about the situation again, I started to see things from Heather’s point of view. I felt uncomfortable with how I had behaved and was unhappy that we were angry at each other. I called her back to apologize. I told her I understood her feelings and promised to be careful not to offer unsolicited advice from now on. The negative feelings between us, magically it seemed, dissipated.
Apologies are a crucial tool for repairing our relationships. They create space for healing.
Blamers and Over-apologizers: Two Personality Types
Blamers and Over-apologizers are two kinds of people that are especially challenging for effective communication in relationships. You probably have met up with both types of people.
First, there are blamers. They are the kind of people who always make excuses and never take responsibility for anything. When they are late, it is because of the traffic. No matter what has happened, blamers never own up to their part of issues that arise; everything is someone else’s fault. This trait makes it challenging for you to apologize because you know they will never reciprocate.
It can be difficult to live with a blamer, whether as a family member or a friend. Two friends with whom I previewed this article told me they had been married to blamers. They told me how painful those relationships had been, and now they are both divorced.
On the other end of the spectrum are over-apologizers. They repeatedly apologize for things we hadn’t noticed or weren’t bothered by. They apologize when they ask a question by saying, “I am sorry, this is probably a stupid question but…” Over-apologizers continually worry that they have offended us. They need reassurance that all is well and there is no need to apologize. This behavior pattern is deeply entrenched and tough to change.
While I’ve been focusing on our everyday relationships, I’d like to point out how important apologies are at the national and international levels as well. Apologies are rarely given, even in cases of major injustices inflicted on innocent people. It was not until 1988 that President Reagan signed the Civil Liberties Act, which recognized the harm done to Japanese Americans who were detained in internment camps during World War II. The act provided $20,000 in reparations to each person who had been confined. My friend Margie Yamamoto, who spent several years as a child at Camp Gila in Arizona, recently told me, “Even though the apology came so many years after the event, it was welcomed and meaningful to my family and most of the people we knew who had been incarcerated.” This acknowledgment and apology contributed to the continued healing of many in the community.
Guidelines for a good apology
We acknowledge that we have done something wrong or that we hurt someone. We say, “I am sorry.” We do this as soon as possible, but it is never too late to apologize.
We take responsibility for our behavior. Apologies go best when both people accept some part of the responsibility. Saying, “I am sorry you had to go through that,” or, “I am sorry that you feel bad,” is not taking responsibility. Saying, “I am sorry I did this,” is taking responsibility. Genuine apologies are an I statement, not a you statement.
We are sincere. We try to understand the perspective of the other person. Our regret is real. At some point we have all received an apology from someone that felt insincere. When they said “I’m sorry,” we understood from the tone of their voice that they were just going through the motions. The situation remained unresolved.
We detail how we will behave differently in the future to prevent the hurt or harm from happening again.
Our cherished bonds with friends and family are precious. When we confront serious challenges and conflicts, it’s essential to address them. It’s important always to remember that apologies are a potent tool for repairing significant rifts. Moreover, acknowledging minor mistakes with a simple “I am sorry” enhances the quality of our shared experiences.
Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
~ Rumi, Sufi mystic and poet of the 13th century
Katharine Esty is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, and a writer. Her recent book, Eightysomethings — A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness, was published by Skyhorse.
Looking for more from Dr. Katharine Esty? Sign up on her website for her monthly newsletters.
#eightysomethings #psychology #relationships #apology #responsibility
To me, The words "I'm sorry" must be sincere and heartfelt, though. They are used far too often without intent and as a way of getting off the hook - so to speak.
Here is my favourite: An apology should never contain a “but”, as that transforms it simply into putting the blame on the other person.
Example: “I’m sorry that I shouted at you, but you pushed me a bit too far.”
Thank you Katharine for tackling this important topic.