Embracing the Fourth Act: Finding Joy in life after 85
Navigating Challenges and Finding Happiness in Our Later Years
For the past decade, I have written about people in their Third Act — those over 65 — who are leading active and surprisingly happy lives. Now that I am 91, I find that life has become a bit more complicated. I’ve come to understand that after the Third Act, marked by much activity and engagement, there is a Fourth Act that is quieter and less active.
After turning 85, I have encountered new challenges. My life feels different now compared to just a few years ago. However, I can report that my peers in the Fourth Act cohort and I are mostly happy and content. It’s unfortunate to note that many younger people still dread growing older, even though today’s old age is better than ever before.
The Third Act
Many people in their Third Act lead active and engaged lives. Many work part-time or volunteer in roles where they can contribute to society. They have bucket lists that motivate them to embark on new adventures, such as taking another cruise or signing up for a Road Scholar trip. They also learn new languages using programs like Babbel and Duolingo. Additionally, they take up entirely new activities such as playing the cello, woodworking, or ceramics. Exercising becomes another important aspect to fit into their busy schedules.
The Fourth Act
Many of us who are over 85 never expected to live this long. We have lived longer than almost all of our grandparents and other relatives. As we grew up we only knew a handful of people who have reached the Fourth Act, and even today we have few models of long lives to guide us. Life after 85 remains largely uncharted territory.
In the years since turning 85, I have encountered several new medical issues. I have fallen four or five times and had surgery for an intestinal blockage. I now feel uncomfortable driving at night or beyond nearby towns. Occasionally, I struggle to remember a word here and there, as well as sometimes forgetting an important meeting. My energy levels have decreased. A plane ride to visit my cousin in California has become a significant undertaking that requires careful planning and even a bit of courage to navigate the confusion of an airport. Despite these challenges, I remain active and enjoy walking, writing, and spending time with my friends.
At 91, I am less moved by images of Venice, Nepal, or Hong Kong. Nowadays, I prefer having dinner at home with old friends or family. Attending stand-up events is not feasible for me anymore. I want to keep the holidays simple and would be content to eliminate gift-giving altogether. I am currently working on my memoir and enjoying the opportunity to reflect on the many twists and turns of my long life. Additionally, I meditate every day.
In recent months, as I have interviewed several ninetysomethings, I’ve noticed that they are also experiencing significant changes in their lives. One man told to me, “Now, I don’t want to make any new friends.” Others shared that they have stopped buying new clothes. A number mentioned that their health and numerous medical appointments have become their top priorities. I have observed that some of us in the Fourth Act require daily assistance and have had to learn how to accept help. These are difficult adaptations.
Despite the changes and challenges we face, that’s not the whole story. Fortunately, many of us in our Fourth Act have discovered paths to happiness and well-being, even amidst limitations and difficulties. I’ve noticed that those who are truly happy in their Fourth Act share two key mindsets: they accept things as they are and live in the present moment.
Acceptance of Things as They Are
In the Fourth Act, happy people have let go of their expectations of what their lives should have been, could have been, or ought to be now. They do not deny or ignore the undesirable aspects of their lives or pretend that everything is perfect. Instead, they accept reality as it is.
Living in the Present Moment
People over the age of 85 who experience happiness have also learned to live in the present moment. They are mindful of their actions, emotions, and surroundings. Rather than dwelling on past mistakes or being haunted by regrets, they focus on the possibilities and choices available to them right now. Additionally, they avoid spending excessive time worrying about the future and the negative things that might happen to them — understanding that such worries only increase their anxiety.
People of all ages benefit from these mindsets. Unfortunately, many younger people dread aging, despite all the ways it is better today than ever before. When younger people observe the lives of older adults, especially those over 85 and in their Fourth Act, they often see aging as decline, dependency, and disability. They see hearing aids, walkers, and wheelchairs. They realize that many of us no longer drive or travel as much. This leads them to think, “If I were in that situation, restricted to a walker or, worse yet, a wheelchair, I’d shoot myself.” They genuinely believe this to be true and, as a result, they fear growing old.
Younger people struggle to understand because they are not yet old. They make huge assumptions about what life is truly like for those of us who are older. Only we, as older individuals, know the full story. I would like young people to listen to our stories and hear our perspectives directly. Despite the challenges we face, they will find that we experience immense joy in the beauty of nature, the connections we have with friends and family, and in our daily routines.
As Camus put it, “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”
We are happy to be alive.
Katharine Esty is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, and a writer. Her recent book, Eightysomethings — A Practical Guide to Letting Go, Aging Well, and Finding Unexpected Happiness, was published by Skyhorse.
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#mindset #aging #acceptance #future #change #agingwell #seniorliving #mentalhealth #lifelessons
Hi Katharine, at 92 I share your observations on living into the fourth act, and would like to offer this advice. Never lose your sense of humour. Share a laugh with someone every day and have some too.
I think there are things and people to enjoy at every age (78 now).